Dreams

I’ve had two really vivid dreams lately that I haven’t wanted to wake up from.

Lately I’ve been really care free which sucks – I’ve been missing school, homework assignment, and been sleeping a LOT. It blows, but I just don’t care. Haven’t really felt alive, I guess.

So, both of these dreams involved me submitting to an enemy and they stripping me of everything and own me completely. Neither dream was sexual, just total power exchange. They were..quite nice..

Both of these dreams also involved my parents in some way. I am really, really close to my dad. I’d live with him forever and do everything I could to make him happy and make his life easier, everything his wife, my mother, should be doing. Sadly, he wants me to go to college and have my own life. I also have a fear of my parents splitting up.

 

In the first dream I had an older brother and sister as well as my actual younger sister and my actual parents. My parents and my younger sister became in danger. I wanted to go help them, naturally. I’d fight and kill anyone to rescue them. I even stabbed a pencil through this evil lady’s throat (though it didn’t kill her some how). At some point my older brother and sister became sort of brain washed by the enemy. They locked me in a room to keep me from helping my parents and younger sister. I got out and had to fight them because they would kill me to keep me from saving the others, but I didn’t want to kill them because they are family and I loved them. I managed to lock my brother in a room and get away from my older sister.  My mom and my younger sister ended up safe somewhere I went in after Dad, ready to fight and kill whoever I had to to get to him. I was fighting these two guys who were trying to brain wash me like my older siblings, then my dad walked up and pinned me down so they could do so. When I saw that he had been brainwashed, I was devastated inside. I just sat down, not fighting back. Before the guy injected me with whatever, I asked if I could just go. They said yes since I was almost lifeless after seeing my dad. My mother and younger left, but I chose not to go with them. I went back to the house, dropped to my knees before my angry brother who was ready to kill me for locking him in a room, and told him I was sorry for locking him in a room and that if he let me live, I would do whatever for him. He hurt me for locking him up. He had me strip, threw a set of clothes in front of me, and told me that I all I own and all I am allowed to wear unless he says otherwise – that the rest of my clothes and belongings are now His. He put a chair in a corner of the living room and said that is where I am to sit at all times that I am not doing something for him. That’s about when I, sadly, woke up.

 

In the second dream, my parents’ marriage was in danger cause of this lady who was trying to get my dad to kiss her and stuff. Apparently they had dated before he dated my mom and had been really close, but broke up for some reason. Anyway, she was a threat to my parents’ marriage at the beginning of the dream and I quickly grew a strong hatred for her. That’s the only time my parents were in the dream, but that hatred still stuck. At one point, I was at her mansion to fight her – to the death. We were fighting outside at her pool. At least, I think we were fighting to the death. I was fighting my hardest, and would use anything I could pick up and hit her with. At one point she pushed me into the pool and threw a device in there which apparently makes the water very cold and my legs almost froze as I swam out. Sometime after that, she was trying to scratch my face up with her sharp nails and I was holding her back and best as I could. Then, I just sort of stopped fighting and submitted. To show her that I wasn’t going to fight her anymore, I pressed my body against hers and I kissed her. I was even holding some kind of sharp object that I considered stabbing her with and ending it all because I could have because she was vulnerable, but I decided not to. After that, she hurt me some, shoved me under the water with that thing in it and said something about staying there for hours. I stayed at the bottom of the pool til I couldn’t hold my breath anymore and pushed back up to the surface. I was so cold my lips were white, but I didn’t complain or anything. I just let her do whatever she wanted to do to me. After a while she had me leave. I came back later to see if she wanted/needed me to do anything for her. She had me come back for one of her fancy dinner parties, dressed me up in a degrading maid costume, and just had me serve all her guests – refiling their drinks and such. Again, sadly, I woke up sometime during the dinner party.

I had more personality in this dream than the last, but it was still that same feeling of giving up completely to the enemy who gladly takes it.

 

Comments?

What does this mean?

I guess this is something that I want or need..but I don’t know..like I said, I have been feeling kinda empty lately..skipping classes and missing homework assignments and all that..which is not like me at all..I’m in the college of engineering and I’m an A/B student..

What should I do?

In my current M/s relationship..although I am submissive and Master is dominate..I am assertive and He doesn’t really seem to be..I am not entirely sure what I need or what..insight would be nice, but it was also nice to just write all this out..now, back to watching t.v. (which I’ve been doing almost all day – which is also not like me).

Thoughts

Not sure how to start this…

Although I do not mind it – usually – I do wonder how and why I am a sub/slave, if that is indeed what I am.  A sadist friend of mine says I have taken a lot of responsibility in my life, and being a sub/slave is a wa to shed responsibility.  Thinking back on it, being the oldest does entitle a lot of unwanted responsibility.  I never earned that responsibility – I inherited it.  That responsibility was mine simply because I was born first – before all the kids in the neighborhood, not just my sister.  Indeed, I would love to shed all responsibilities and just live free, and I can do that by being a slave.  This explains why I feel as though I can only be free when I’m controlled.  In my eyes, being free means not having any responsibilities, and although I would certain have chores and school work to get done, they would still be my master’s responsibility – not mine.

Another reason could be that I am scared of being independent.  Although I used to always think of myself as a rather independent person, I am not.  My parents pay for everything, take care of me when I ask, provide everything, shelter me, and act as a safe haven if I ever need to run away from life.  I often depend on friends to vent to or socialize with and I look to them to make decisions whenever we are hanging out.  Of course, now that I am aware of being submissive, I have gravitated to hanging out with friends who are quite decisive and even a bit demanding, because I enjoy that in those I hang out with.

I realized yesterday just how stressful something like grocery shopping is because of all the choices.  Different types and brands exist for everything except fresh veggies.  Of course I always tried to go with the cheaper price, finding what was cheaper and what I wanted was still rather stressful.

One more factor contributing to me being this way could be that my father raised me that if he said something was so, then that’s how it was and no negotiating was going to happen.  If I asked for permission to do something and he said no, then that was the answer – no compromises (generally).  He also taught me that when he told me to do something, I was to go do it – without complaints or goofing off – and I was to do it right then.  Dom (sortof) pointed out that I used to get great satisfaction from my father telling me “good job” or “good work” or just in general expressing that he was pleased with what I had done.  I grew up associating pleasing others as self-pleasure.

The Result is Worth the Wait

I am feeling better today, though I am a tad worried about my calculus test in less than three hours.  I will study for that in a bit.

Right now, I feel like I can handle the summer.  I have also decided that I do not want to be a slave to anyone but my boyfriend, because if I hold out until he moves in and we try it together, it will make it that much better. Until then, I’ve just got to focus on myself, though it’s all for him.  I want to get in better shape, so my body is more appealing to him (if that’s possible ). I want to practice cooking, so I can cook delicious and healthy meals for him.  I want to get more flexible so we can try new positions because I know that’s something he wants to do.

I do look forward to him moving in with me, but I am glad to have the summer to work on those things for him. He is my motivation for everything. I love him with all my heart and I want no one else.

I am sure I will go through at least a few lapses where I want to go out and experience different things with different people, but I will be strong and hold off because in the end it will be worth it to have waited for him.  Waiting will make it that much more special and our bond will be even stronger.

Keeping in mind that both of us are inexperienced when it comes to a Master/slave relationship or even a D/s one (though I have gotten a little experience with D/s), any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ugh

I need to be put in my place. I’ve gone so far as to text my friend Sarah because she has, on occasion, satisfied my need to submit, even though she doesn’t know about it.  She’s just that type of person.  One instance has really stuck with me, because it happened at a time where I was being distracted by the cravings.  We were sitting in the hallway because a tornado was near campus – the two of us live in the same dorm. Once they released us, she closed her laptop and stood up while we were still chatting. I was too lazy to get up, especially because we were probably gonna be back there again before too long anyway. We got to a stopping point in the conversation and she said “Okay, hug my legs, then I’m gonna go upstairs to my room.”  I obliged, and felt a release from it.  She did somewhat give me an order while texting, which I followed, but it certainly was not enough.  I looked for more, but I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.  We flirt all the time, but I don’t know how much of it serious.  I’m pretty sure we’re both straight, but I do not know if she is open to experimenting or not. I certainly am.

My boyfriend also gave me an order, but again it is not enough. We were video chatting while I took a bubble bath and I gave him permission to take pictures. When I was drying off, he told me to wrap the towel around me so he could take a picture, and I did as instructed and even posed for him. I tried to get him to order me some more when I got to my room, but he did not.

I am now text messaging with my ex-Dom, which didn’t seem to be going anywhere, but it might. I want to tell him that I need to be put in my place, but that takes a little bit out of the results, so I am waiting to see if he picks up on it, which he often does.

I really wish my boyfriend could/would help. It’s hard long distance since we’re both new to all this, and he has less sexual experience than me.  I don’t think he’s been reading up on this stuff like I have, either.

So, UGH!

My Relationships

Sadly, I am ending my relationship with Dom.  Although I enjoy what we do, the in scene stuff doesn’t do enough for me, and if he and I were to turn it into a Master/slave relationship, which is what I need, that would hurt my relationship with my boyfriend.

That being said, my relationship with my boyfriend is already hurting, which is another reason I decided to end it with Dom. I need a master, and as much as I want a normal relationship with my boyfriend, I know that’s not going to happen. Right now, I am just hoping for baby steps. Then, when he moves in with me in August, we can try new things together and learn and grow together as we do.

I love him so much, but I have had a disturbing question probing my mind today: what if he’s not what’s best for me?

I can’t think of life without him, but at the same time, I can’t see ultimate happiness with him. Our relationship has always been us swapping roles and dynamics.  We have been equals and done everything as such. I just want to try a Master/slave relationship and see how it goes for a little while, but I think I need it for a permanent thing, and it just doesn’t seem right with him. For one, he’s more submissive than Dominant, as far as we can tell. I guess there’s always a chance he is a Dom and just hasn’t realized it because we haven’t done enough.

Sadly, I need a master. I feel like I can only be free when I’m restrained, and I so badly want to be free. Despite his flaws, part of me really wishes Dom could be my Master. I see him that way. He is very protecting and takes good care of me; I would love to serve him. My relationship with my boyfriend means too much to just throw away though. We are moving in together, and we have plans to get married one day.

I really think things will be better when he moves in, but that’s so long off. I know in the grand scheme of things, a few months is no big deal, but with how desperate I feel and how much I need him (or need someone), a few months feels like forever.

Craving

I’ve been super stressed out and haven’t been able to blog lately. My grades aren’t where I’d like them, a chance exists that I won’t pass physics (so I have to study EXTRA hard for the final exam), my class schedule for the fall was all jacked up, so I had to sign up for summer classes and doing all the scheduling stuff was a nightmare, speaking of nightmares I’ve had a few lately, I had to find a place to live this summer/next school year, and I’ve had to put my D/s stuff to the side which sucked so bad. Oh, and all the stressed made me physically sick and I am now on pills for who knows how long.

That being said, I did get to play Saturday night and Sunday morning. That was a nice break from all the stress. I signed the lease to an apartment Saturday. I got a 100 on a physics quiz last Monday. I feel good about a lab test I took last Wednesday. I have started studying for my two hardest finals – physics and calculus. I’m somewhat on top of things and a lot less stressed.

On the title of this blog, lately, I have been craving a lot more that what Dom has given. Submitting feels like a need as well as a strong desire. I want more than just our little playing in scene. I need more. You know that feeling when you’re under water and you need to breathe, to crave air, but you can’t at that moment because you are under water? That’s what this craving feels like, and it’s driving me crazy. I want a master. I want orders outside of scene play. I want rules. I want to give up control. I need someone to call Master and to fully submit to and I don’t know if Dom is the one to do that. He’s not assertive enough. He can be at times, but I don’t think he can all the time. I am trying to engulf myself in studying to get my mind off it, but that only helps so much. My desire for this driving me crazy, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Sunday morning, before I left Dom’s apartment, I tried to talk to him about how much control he wants. I should also point out that he can be indecisive at times, which is also not a good Master quality, but he does eventually make up his mind and make a decision on things. He was unsure about how much control to take because he does greatly respect the Boyfriend and my relationship and doesn’t want to get in the way of it or anything. I told him we have until August for our D/s relationship to last (that is when the Boyfriend moves into my apartment with me and we finally have our own place – which I am SUPER excited about). He said he’ll probably try and take full advantage of it, and I said good. He asked how much control I’m willing to give up, to which I responded “however much you want to take, so long I always have the power to say ‘stop.’” He agreed, of course, and seemed to find my answer rather interesting.

This evening while text messaging with him, I broke down (as I said, this craving is driving me mad) and sent a message saying that I beg to not hold back so long as I can still stay stop and set limits and so long as the Boyfriend stays primary, that to please not hold back to take advantage of our time and take as much control as he wants. I have no idea if he really understood what I was begging for. He also lacks much experience with sex in general. I want him to take this beyond just scene play. It’s not even the sexual aspect of it that satisfies me – just submitting in general. Following his orders. Which he rarely gives me outside of scene. I don’t know how to tell him to take over and make himself my Master with out actually telling him that.

The Boyfriend has also created a bit of stress and I think he is being quite unfair with a decision he has given me. I don’t want the Boyfriend to become a Master. The way I see a Master is totally different that a Boyfriend, and I plan to marry this one (we have talked about this and are both serious about getting married one day). I want a normalish, healthy relationship, and I don’t feel like a Master/pet relationship would work as that. We have done some limited D/s play (limited because we don’t have anywhere private to experiment), which I love, but I don’t think I’d ever want him as Master. At the same time, that may change after a while once we are actually together again. I don’t really know what I want with him. We’ve been apart for so long and I’ve been doing most of D/s experience with someone else. I am not sure how it will be with him. However, he sent me some texts this evening, after talking to him about my strong craving and using the craving for air while under water analogy. Here is what they say (he is intending for this to start in August once he moves in with me): “I’ll give you a choice. You have until May 15 to decide. You can either not have a master, and we limit this to in scene between us on occasion…or, when I get back, we set up terms for me to become your master.”  I’ll admit, reading that after a time of trying to put it out of my head made my heart flutter and my stomach lurch (in a good way) reading the second part. I feel like he is unfairly setting limits on our relationship, adding stress when I’m already stressed out enough, and forcing me to make an uninformed decision. How can I possibly know what I’ll want with him when I have hardly spent any time with him for the past five months?! I want to live together and take things slow with the D/s stuff and see where it goes. I may also make a rash decision based on these strong cravings that I may not actually want later. Who does he think he is trying to do this to me??

I do get to go see my counselor tomorrow morning after class, but I had to go ahead and get all this out because I can hardly concentrate on my studies. Plus, I would love some advice from any third party, especially someone with any experience with D/s and such. So, be nosey and give any advice you see fit, please!

Last Night

I will talk about Friday later, right now I have enough time for this one, and it’s a bit more pressing on my mind.

My boyfriend and I got in a fight last night. To the point where he hung up on me. Then he sent some texts with a good deal of curing and I haven’t heard from him sense. I went to my friend Josh’s house to stay the night. Him and I have a good deal of history, and even though we were planning on just cuddling, watching movies, then sleeping, as soon as I told him my boyfriend and I had a fight, we both knew what was going to happen. It often happens when we get together, but this time was way different.

We did cuddle. He took his shirt off and I rubbed my hand all over his skin – I had forgotten how soft it was. Slowly but inevitably, we started kissing and getting closer and at some point he pulled my hair back – hard. It hurt. I let out a soft cry of pain and I could tell he enjoyed it. I quickly thought back to how we had been in high school and realized that he is a sadist. I was scared. Especially because he does not talk about things.

He went on to bite me in a place I told him I had a bruise. He enjoyed when I flinched in pain. At some point in the hair pulling and the biting (after he had pulled off my shirt and bra), he backed off. He doesn’t particularly enjoying being a sadist and loving hurting me – or anyone really. He told me he was scared, and I told him I was scared too. He didn’t want to let go, said something about feeling animalistic. I gave him three limits – no blood, no anal, and don’t get me pregnant – the third limit and anything beyond it that I didn’t want, I was sure he wouldn’t go for anyway. After assuring me that he would stop if I said to, he let go a little.

He hurt me. I dealt with it. He had me in all kinds of positions. I was quivering and twitching with fear. He loved it. In one position, he had yanked me out of the bed, shoved me to the edge, so I was facing it, then pushed me down. He continued to fuck me, hard. At one point, he grabbed my hair and yanked, and I cried out in pain as I pulled back. I had to grab onto his legs to keep from falling. He bit down on the side that already had the bruise, and was now so sore and sensitive from him biting on it so much already. I almost screamed in pain as I tried to shrink down, away from his bite. He let out such moans of pleasure at my extreme pain that I could feel nothing but pain and fear. I could have said stop. At that point, I was afraid he might not have.

Later, when I was on my back again, he bit the underside of my breast. I screamed in pain and I think he might have orgasmed from the pleasure he got from that. He was still scaring the hell out of me, but I grabbed onto the sheets, screamed into his arm from the pain, and waited for it to be over.

Other things happened as well, but those are the worst of it. He has also pulled my hair back and bit the skin between my breast which was almost too tight to even bite – making it hurt. He also has this evil chuckle when I would flinch or pull away every time he went to bite me or touch me in a spot he had already been inflicting pain on.

I’ll admit, I did get what I wanted. I wanted a sadist to give me a bad experience like that, so maybe I could know my limits. He did go well beyond my pain limits. I do enjoy pain, but not extreme amounts. It was a bad experience, but it did eventually end.

He did calm down and became gentle and we fucked in different positions and he got me to have an amazing orgasm. Although I often feel intense pleasure, I haven’t had an orgasm like that since the last time we fucked which had to have been four years ago. So, at least that part of it was amazing. I don’t think I had ever screamed in pleasure like that either. I have a hard time letting go like that, but sex is a lot more comfortable with him because we’ve done it so damn much.

Right now I have an ice pack rotating shoulders, spending a lot more time on one side than the other. He seems to think that he could have caused some nerve damage from how hard he was biting me there, mercilessly, and said ice would help with that. Feeling around, I have a bruise or two (one that hurts pretty bad when touched) between my breast. A bruise under my boob that he bit so hard it made me scream, but I have to push hard on it for it to hurt a lot. I can also feel a more sensitive bruise on my upper arm that is irritated by my bra strap that I have pushed off my shoulder. I haven’t examined my legs that he scratched up pretty bad, but I don’t think the skin broke. My clit is still sore. My neck is throbbing. Putting on a bra this morning hurt so much. I can’t imagine carrying a back pack to school tomorrow. God it hurts.

I’m texing with Dom and after he realized that it was a bad experience and not one that I enjoyed at all, he ordered me not to see him again. Something out he doesn’t want his toy broken. Ha! I know he just trying to be a good friend right now and give me a way out of putting myself in that situation again. He’s a really good friend as well as a good Dom.

Dad is getting a shower and then we are probably gonna do something together, so I will talk about Friday night some other time.